Pedestal
by lucy sinclair
Summary: Craig is out of my league. And sooner or later he'd notice the difference. But I couldn't go and change my hair color or eyes or teeth or lack of confidence. But I could be petite like those girls were- for him. If I was smaller and skinnier it would make the difference, right?


**[[In hindsight I probably should've did this before I published all them stories rapid fire. My bad to those who read my story without seeing this message. Hello! It is I- bitch from the planet no update come back to bestow some peace offerings. god damn it's been so long- I'm afraid I've forgotten how to do this. I could place a long speech about why I've been gone and blah blah blah-**

**But I'm tired and rather not**

**So about this story. I realized this is not my usual AT ALL. But i got into some weight issue shows and well- was inspired. **

**Please understand that I have not personally suffered from an eating disorder but do know some who have. That and with research I've tried to replicate it in a story. Please forgive me if I offend those with it- as my knowledge to the whole thing is quite limited. **

**Proceed to add hate comments to my tumblr for the shitty job I do.**

**With that- I'm sorry and enjoy?]]**

With another heave, my stomach muscles lurched for the final time. I emptied what I was sure was finally the entire contents of my stomach out into the toilet bowl.

There.

It's over.

Relief washed over me .

I flushed the vile smelling contents down the drain away from me forever. Jesus Christ I felt sick. But very relieved. The back of my throat burned, tasting sour with the remnants of my lurching. I got up and went over to the sink to rinse my mouth out.

Looking into the mirror, I sighed. A frown formed at the sight the fullness my cheeks had, the extra bulk under my chin, and the overall plumpness my face carried. But compared to how much I weighed a few months ago- it was still a drastic improvement.

I guess.

But it would only keep improving as long as I didn't slip up like I did again today. Hence the vomiting.

"Tweek! Craig's here!" I heard my mother downstairs. I groaned, slapping my forehead at how I let time slip from me.

"Give me a minute!" My voice was a little raspy- but I was loud enough to get a response back of confirmation. I grabbed the toothpaste and my toothbrush to aggressively scrub my teeth and tongue. I almost gagged at how far I let the toothbrush go. I probably would've vomited had not for the fact that there was nothing left in my stomach but bile. I spat out the foamy liquid and rinsed out with some mouthwash. I deemed my teeth and breath perfectly minty and hurried out my bathroom to get a fresh shirt on. I passed right by my little mirror, not daring to look as I stripped my shirt and grabbed a stripped long-sleeved one to put over my head. I caught a glimpse at how I looked and bit my lip. Horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? But I've already kept Craig waiting. I didn't have time to play this game of what I looked least vile in. So grabbing my black hoodie sweater, I quickly went to toss it over my head to hide my figure. It was cold anyway. With that I headed downstairs in a hurry.

Suddenly I felt dizzy and clutched on the hand rail.

Jesus Christ, not again.

I took a deep breath as the fit passed, then kept descending down.

"S-sorry I t-took so long." I bit my knuckle and smiled nervously, hoping I didn't annoy Craig with my delay.

"It's fine. Come on or we won't make the movie." Craig smiled at me and pulled on my wrist.

"Have fun you two." My mother called in her normal spacey way from her seat on the couch . I bid her goodbye and followed Craig to his car.

"You alright?" Craig asked as he opened the door for me. I smiled a little bit at his gesture, but a skid pumped through my heart when I registered the question, "You look a little sick. More than usual."

"Sick? No. J-just cold." I laughed and slid in his car. He watched me with those intense blue eyes of his before closing the door then rounding the other side to the driver's seat.

"Ok. I'll turn up the heater then." He was so good to me. I didn't deserve him.

But then I knew that all too well already.

My name is Tweek Tweak. I'm a platinum blond with blue eyes. I'm five feet ten inches and I'm dating way out of my league.

Those are the facts.

And trust me, no one ever lets me forget how lucky I am that I'm dating Craig Tucker.

Craig is a catch. But I didn't need to be told that. I already knew. With his six foot one, perfect toned stature- he was sought after by a lot of people.

A LOT.

His dark thick hair went past his ears for the wild and dangerous look. It matched his ripped up jeans and doc martin boots perfectly. I'm not sure how I managed to get him to date me.

Sure it was he who asked me out- after I made a fool of myself during Valentines day and got caught sneaking a letter with a gift card to Barnes and Noble in it as a present. Naturally he was able to snatch it from me, read all the embarrassing things I put in there in confidence that I'd be anonymous, and saw through the lie that I was putting it in there for someone else.

He was just my lab partner, and on occasion my weekend buddy. I did get a terrible crush on him because- hey- who didn't? And as I got to know him more I got so infatuated with him, that I convinced myself to write him an anonymous Valentine and- well you know the rest.

After I thought I'd probably die of embarrassment, he grabbed my wrist, took me to that stupid booth where they were selling candy grahams for school, and bought one for me. Then he asked me if I wanted to go out on a date with him. Soon after that we became something of a thing.

Craig's really old fashioned. It contradicted his looks, but he was such a gentlemen. I mean- who actually _went _on dates anymore? We did. He's pick me up and open doors for me and walk me to my door and everything. He disliked PDA, and I was embarrassed by it too, so we didn't really kiss or hold hands in public. But one day we were having lunch at our usual table, when Bebe Stevens came to our table to ask Craig to the Junior's Sadie Hawkins dance. And then right there- in front of everyone- he simply said,

"Can't. Tweek's my boyfriend and that would be cheating." I was stuck from being delighted that he called me his boyfriend, to horrified that he just announced it to everyone within earshot. Though I suppose it was a little stupid to feel like that. It was never a secret we were dating. I guess it just never came up so it felt like a secret. But Bebe had a fit. She screamed that she didn't believe him- and that if he didn't want to go out with her, he should just be honest. So Craig did the next thing that announced our relationship to the entire school [as if literally announcing it wasn't enough]. He grabbed my collar, yanked me forward, and started making out with me right there in front of everyone. When he let go, he simply said it wasn't a lie, and if she could leave so we could finish our lunch in peace.

And Jesus Christ did things blow up after that. Rumor upon rumor spread like wild fire. People were asking for confirmation of our relationship, when Craig became gay, when we started dating, and if this was just a big lie to get Bebe mad. At first I felt a little happy that we were out. I mean- it was overwhelming being the center of attention but having everyone know made Craig a little more affectionate and we began walking around holding hands or with his arm around me.

I liked it. And I secretly like all the envious looks I got when it was established that _I_ was dating Craig Tucker. Not Red or Bebe or even Wendy- the three most popular girls- who were the biggest thought candidates- who _everyone _assumed he'd end up with-

No- not them.

But me.

Tweek Tweak.

And it be a big fat lie if I said that wasn't fucking great.

But people are harsh and brutally honest. In the midst of all the shock and awe were some unpleasant reactions and rumors. The homophobic ones were expected and ignored. It was mainly Cartman anyway. But the ones that hit me the hardest were the ones of calculated disbelief.

'_How was it that Tweek got Craig?'_

'_Craig is way more good looking than Tweek.' _

'_He doesn't deserve him.' _

'_Craig's a ten and Tweek's a zero.'_

'_It's never going to last. Craig's hot and popular. Do you seriously think he's going to keep wasting his time with that ugly freak?'_

'_Eventually he's going to dump him for someone better.'_

Harsh.

I ignored it at first. But no matter where I went I'd hear one of those whispers. And it felt like everyone was saying so. And if hundreds of kids are saying one thing- isn't there at least a little bit of truth to it?

I began seeing things I had not noticed before.

Like my hair. It was pretty pale- almost white. I looked like some kind albino kid.

My teeth were a little crooked and I had a chipped tooth near the back of my molars.

And my eyes were bulbous. Big and a kind of blue only dogs had.

A dog.

Was I a dog?

I would think about Wendy and Bebe and Red. Thin, pretty, confident girls with everything to offer to measure up to someone like Craig. And here was I. Falling short in almost every way.

But what could I do?

I didn't want to dye my hair. The chemicals were too harsh and my hair would burn.

I could get colored contacts. But really- who would that be fooling?

I could always get to the dentist or just learn not to open my mouth very wide.

Then I noticed something pretty vital.

My body.

Those girls were skinny petite cheerleaders.

I wasn't fat. But I wasn't petite. Sure I'm a guy and guys aren't usually small. But was that an excuse? I had to wake up and face the facts.

Those harsh words had some truth in them.

Craig _is _out of my league.

And sooner or later he'd notice the difference.

But I couldn't go and change my hair color or eyes or teeth or lack of confidence.

But I _could _be petite like those girls were- for him.

If I was smaller and skinnier it would make the difference, right?

I'd probably wouldn't be as small as Butters. He was five foot seven and small framed. It made him skinnier than some of the girls. I couldn't achieve that. But I could still be as thin as I could be for my height and stature.

And it was something I knew I could do with a little bit of work.

So I put myself on a diet. Nothing too much at first -because I wanted to slowly adapt to it. But after weeks of eating fiber bars and those stupid lean cuisine meals, I still couldn't see much of a difference. So I amped it up a bit. I drank a glass of water before I ate to curve my appetite, and stopped eating in the mornings all together. I saw a little better results, but not much. I shrank my portion sizes and tried sticking to food with as little calories as possible. Nuts, fruits, vegetables, and the occasional fiber bar. I did eventually get thinner. But I could stand to lose a few more. I limited myself to one meal a day- but had all the water I could drink to compensate. When that stopped working, I stuck to just eating small amounts of fruit and vegetables throughout the day. And of course I drank coffee, but only black and only two cups a day. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should nix the coffee too. So I could get the last few pounds off my face and body. I was so close and if I just worked a little harder, I'd get the rest of the disgusting weight off me.

"Tweek!" Craig shouted. I flinched and looked at him from the door of the passenger's side.

"W-what?" Damn it I spaced out again. I've been doing that lately. But I guess it's from the lack of coffee and sleep.

"Movie." He nudged his head in the theatre's direction.

"O-oh. Right." He laughed and shook his head, offering his hand to help me out. I smiled at him and got out. I bit my lip as the rush from sitting to standing made me dizzy. It passed though, and soon I was walking with him into the theatre, "It'- it's cold." I shivered in my sweater.

"You're cold? Here." He took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders.

"D-don't. You'll be cold too!"

"Tweek I'm not cold. It's actually kind of warm in here."

"Oh. Y-you're so hot blooded." I smiled and moved a little closer to him. He studied me again like he did in the car, "W-what?"

"Nothing." His lips curved up to the side softly and he leaned down and pecked me on the lips. I got tucked under his arm as we walked. Suddenly the smell of popcorn and ice cream hit my nose. I gulped down a big swallow of saliva. I couldn't deny my hunger. It was an ever lingering presence. I was terrible at will power. Earlier I couldn't stand it any longer and ate an entire bag of chips and drank an entire pitcher of coffee. But I knew I fucked up so took care of that in the bathroom. I didn't like doing it. I tried to control myself so I wouldn't have to. But that was the first time in a couple of weeks, so it was ok. But the smell of food was calling to my empty stomach, "Want something?" Craig asked. He must've seen me eyeing the concession stand. My teeth sunk into my lip again.

Control Tweek.

You can eat an apple when you get home.

"N-no I'm ok." My stomach betrayed me and grumbled loudly to expose my lie.

"That says otherwise." Craig raised a brow at me. I trembled a little at his tone, "Come on. Let me buy you something." His smile returned and I relaxed again.

"It- It's really ok." I insisted.

"Just some popcorn then. It's a movie. Besides we never eat anywhere anymore." He said pointedly. I remained silent. I didn't like the way he kept looking at me like that.

"Ok." I would admit defeat. For him. Craig could always just get me to do things. It was like I couldn't say no. A genuine smile formed on his lips, making his lip ring curve up a little.

"I'll be right back. Go get us seats." He nudged me toward the theatre while he took off to the stand. I went in and got some decent seats in the middle of the room. I knew how he liked seeing the whole screen from the center. He was weird like that. I sat down curled up in his jacket. It was cold as hell in here and I was glad he gave it to me. Soon I saw Craig's familiar form at the corner of my eye. I almost died at what else I saw.

Popcorn. Chocolate covered raisins. Dibs. A soda. And even nachos with extra cheese dip that I assumed he was going to put on his popcorn. My stomach squeezed and gurgled in anticipation.

Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ.

"T-that looks like a little more than popcorn." I tried to sound playful, but I was a little irked at him for getting all those things. Money wise and food wise- it was too much. He shouldn't spend so much on me and he really shouldn't try to get me any fatter than I was. Not when I was so close to my ideal goal.

"I'm a little hungry. I missed lunch and- well I do like to spoil you." His playful grin that I only usually got to see came out. So now I couldn't be all that mad at him. He sat the popcorn on my lap and stuck the soda next to me while he held the candy and nachos.

I gulped.

Ok.

Just a small handful of popcorn and a chocolate raisin or two. But that was it. If I had any more I'd just be overdoing it and I really didn't feel like purging again today. I wouldn't be able to anyway- not here. Not with Craig here. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know- especially him.

But he wouldn't have to. No one did as long as I could rough it out.

"Here." Craig plucked a corn chip dripping with cheese sauce and a jalapeno and offered it to me.

"I- I- I really am not in the mood for nachos." I tried.

"Come on. Just one. I got the jalapenos for you." It was true. Craig didn't really like spicy things too much. At least not something as intense as a jalapeno by itself. That's more my thing- or it was. The smell wafted to my nose and made my mouth water even more. I looked at the expecting look in his eyes.

"Just one." I sighed at the second defeat. I opened my mouth and let him pop the chip in my mouth. It was more substance than I had all day. And my stomach was pleading for more. Just one more wouldn't hurt- would it? And before I could even ask- Craig had another one waiting for me. Soon it became a steady stream of him munching on the snacks and feeding some to me. And my mouth betrayed me by opening up every time he came at me with a chip or candy or popcorn. Even the soda. Before I knew it the food was all gone and the previews were barely over.

Shit.

We ate a lot and we ate fast.

I ate a lot.

And I ate too fast.

Oh shit.

I did it again!

And before the movie even started. The hour and a half long flick was going to force me to sit there while I digested and it would be too late to try fixing it after the movie. I was panicking inside.

Craig, calm as ever, lifted the arm rest and pulled me close to him, kissing the side of my head and looking quite content while he settled.

I felt great on the outside and somewhat in. I was full, I was with my boyfriend, and we were going to watch a movie. I should've been content. But all I could think of was how much I was going to gain. How I'd be back where I started and be that much closer to losing Craig.

How could I let this happen?

Wasn't Craig enough to motivate me so I could keep him?

I couldn't lose him. I hated myself for it, but I knew what I had to do. I wiggled out of Craig's grasp.

"I need to go to the bathroom." I whispered in his ear. His contented face suddenly darkened. It looked a little scary in the dim light of the theatre with the beginning credits starting to roll in.

"The movie just started." He said stiffly. Almost angrily.

"I- I- I really need to go. All that soda."

"Fine." Was all he said. I felt very cold by his retort and the slight push he gave me away from him. It was almost as if he knew. But how could he?

I still apologized to him in my head as I left to go do what I had to do.

* * *

"I can't believe how badass Josh Peck looked!" Craig laughed for the billionth time as we went upstairs to his room. The movie date picked up a little bit after I got back from the bathroom. At first Craig didn't even look at me. But as the movie went on and we got more into it- we made our usual snide and excited comments. He even dragged me back against his chest.

I was glad he wasn't mad at me anymore.

"And that one kid- wasn't he from Bridge to Terabithia!" I laughed with him. We made it upstairs and toppled onto his bed. I shook off his jacket but kept my baggy hoodie on.

"Yup. Damn you forget actors grow up sometimes." He shifted to his side and smiled at me. I felt myself blush as he leaned in. I knew what was coming. We always did this after a date or- well whenever we were alone.

He kissed me lightly on the mouth. I responded by grabbing his shirt and moving my lips with his. We pulled away a little and just lingered there. Craig cupped my cheek and kissed me again a bit harder. I sighed happily and went to my back to bring him on top of me. I gasped uncomfortably as his weight crushed my body. Why was it getting harder to breath with him on top of me lately?

"You ok?" He asked putting his weight on his knees, looking a bit worried.

"F-fine. I- I guess that was too sudden." I grabbed his jaw in my hands and pulled our mouths back together. He hesitated but soon let his arms rest above my head as we nipped at each other's lips. I moaned a little as his lips sucked at mine, luring me to open my mouth so his nimble tongue could get through- as if he _needed _to try. I pushed my tongue to his and grabbed his hair to pull on it a little. He liked that. He moaned a bit and went down to push his fingers up my shirt. His hand followed.

Then he stopped.

"Ok. You know what? I can't do this anymore." Craig raised up back to his knees and got off me.

"What?" My stomach and heart sank at his words. I was confused and scared.

"Tweek I- You're just-" He got off his bed and yanked on his hair a little in frustration, "You know what this is about."

No.

It was happening.

It was fucking happening and I didn't even see it coming. Tears began to well up in my eyes.

" I- I just thought-" My voice caught and breathing became harder. I looked down in shame and defeat. I wasn't ready to let him go. I didn't want this to happen! God why didn't I try harder!?

"This can't keep going on. It needs to stop."

"Craig no!" I got desperate. I felt pathetic. I knew he was going to break up with me eventually. Hell- everyone did. But I didn't think it be this soon. And I wasn't prepared to accept it. I still wanted to be with him, "I- I can change. I'm trying so hard!" I pleaded. His expression softened and my hopes rose.

"I want you to change Tweek. But you can't do it alone. Let me help you."

"It's ok. I c-can do it." I sniffled and got up to walk over to him, "Just a few more pounds and I'll be good enough." His expression changed.

"What?"

"I can probably lose a l-little more if I stop drinking coffee." He blinked several times.

"What?" He said again and I was confused, "No I don't mean- what?"

"I can lose more." I reassured him, "Coffee- apples have a lot of sugar- maybe I could-"

"No!" He shouted, grabbing my shoulders, "Tweek. I don't want you to eat _less_. I want you to eat _more_!" Now I really didn't understand.

"What?" It was my turn to say it.

"Tweek you're getting so skinny. I can feel your bones. I can fucking see them! I'm scared!" He really did look scared. But I still didn't understand.

"Craig I- I'm not even skinny at all. I look awful and- not skinny at all!" How could he even think that? All that flesh on me. All those pounds and bloated skin.

"You never eat. And when you do you run off to the bathroom. You're tired all the time and you always look sick. Tweek it looks like you're dying! It's like you're starving yourself to death and I'm so _fucking scared _that's exactly what you're doing." This was the first time I've seen Craig frantic. It broke my heart and I almost wanted to cry. But he didn't seem to get it. I couldn't be starving myself or anything like that because I wasn't even that skinny.

"Craig- it's ok. Really. I'm fine. And- I'm not even thin so-"

"Oh for fuck's sake." He grabbed my arm and dragged me out his room. I stared at how his hand went almost completely around my upper arm. Were his hands always that big? He went across the hall, dragging me to his sister's room. We burst through the door, right in on Ruby and her boyfriend making out. I squeaked, noticing she had her shirt off.

"Craig!" Ruby screamed, her boyfriend looking terrified as he fell off her behind her bed. Craig grunted and grabbed Ruby's arm too. He slammed her door shut, where a full mirror was on the other side, and shoved both of us in front of it, "What the fuck are you-"

"I'm going to forget he's even here if you shut up and just stand there for me." Ruby rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, not even ashamed to be seen in her bra. She was an athlete so she was nice and thin. Lean and fit. She was lucky. She was tall like her brother so she was my height exactly and almost my build except she was a girl. Craig grabbed the hem of my shirt and effortlessly yanked it over my head, making me a bit dizzy at the force.

"I don't-"

"Just look ok. Please." I didn't want to see my reflection next to the perfect body of his sister's. Girl or not, her stomach was flat and she didn't carry any excess weight on her like I did so comparing myself to her was going to suck.

"Oh my god. Tweek. What happened to you?" Ruby gawked at me. I turned to my reflection and froze.

I don't know whose reflection that was. But it wasn't mine.

It couldn't be.

It was me, but- it wasn't me.

I looked at the mirror only to stare back at myself on the other side.

Sick.

I looked sick. But not in the gross way I had been feeling. My ribs poked out harshly and you could see the indents of my rib cage. My stomach wasn't flat. It was sunken in until my hip bones poked out almost frighteningly. My arms were never that big- but now they were impossibly small. I noticed my pants were baggy and falling off me. Pants that I had only bought two months ago. There were bags under my eyes, deep grey bags that went down to where my cheek bones protruded from my face. I put my hands over my mouth and trembled.

Ruby looked so- big compared to me.

The room was quiet and still. Even Ruby's boyfriend from behind us was looking at me as if I was some medical patient. I couldn't stand it. I grabbed the door knob and ran out of Ruby's room. But I felt dizzy and so sick, I nearly fell right as I left the threshold. A pair of strong arms caught me. I was turned around and met Craig's saddened face.

"I- I-" I didn't know what to say. I looked even less worthy of him, "I'm sorry." I felt tears finally spilling out of my eyes. Craig pulled me to his chest gently.

"We're going to get you help." He whispered into my hair. I cried harder.

"Why are you so good to me? I- I'm not worth it I- I don't deserve you."

"That's total bullshit." He kissed my hair. I pushed him away feebly.

"No it's not! Craig I- everyone says I don't deserve you and I can't keep trying to prove them wrong. They're right. You're too out of my league. I'm too plain. Too ugly and timid and awkward and freaky. I already don't deserve you. And now I'm hurting you by being stupid. I shouldn't be with you."

"Who the hell told you that?" Craig growled almost savagely, "Who the fuck said that to you?"

"_Everyone _Craig! Everyone says-"

"Well **fuck **everyone!" He grabbed me again and forced me to look at him, "Tweek, I love you. Just the way you are. And for the record- you're not ugly or plain or awkward or freaky. You're smart and funny and sarcastic and you care too much and are way paranoid- but I love that about you too. How in the fuck do you think you're ugly? You're cute. You're so fucking cute." He had thoroughly succeeded for making my face red as a cherry while tears streamed down my eyes. He kissed me roughly on the mouth, "I can't believe how cute you are. You're hot." He placed himself in my neck and hugged me tightly, " You're plenty good enough for me. You're the best for me. _I_ don't deserve _you_. All I could think when I caught you smuggling that love letter in my locker was, 'I can't believe he likes me'. But I can't bear seeing you like this. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to see what I see. You're sick, Tweek. And I want you to get better." I listened to his words carefully as I had my cheek resting on his shoulder. I held onto him just as tightly as he did me.

My head was tired.

I was tired.

Of everything.

Of feeling like I was ugly and not good enough.

Of making Craig worry like that.

Of this fucking hunger that never went away.

Everything ached.

And I wanted to get better too.

"Ok." I whispered.

* * *

My road to recovery wasn't easy. Not at all. And it was almost unbelievable how deeply I had buried myself in this cycle of abuse with my body. I didn't even realize I dug myself in such a hole or how long it would take to get me out.

I wanted to get better.

Needed to get better.

But somehow whenever I ate, I panicked and wanted so desperately to go 'fix myself.' I had forgotten to like myself and whenever I looked into the mirror my boney body still looked big.

But I pressed on.

I told my parents and began seeing a therapist. My parents were shocked but supportive. And no one stood by me like Craig. And little by little I began to see food as less on a poison and more as fuel I used to enjoy. Was beginning to enjoy again. I made peace with my body and began seeing it for what it really was. It helped that Craig never failed to tell me how much he enjoyed it.

The rumors and insults didn't stop. But they lost their power and meaning.

They became nothing more than just static.

And before I knew it- I was happy and comfortable again.

"Craig!" I blushed as his hands went to my thighs and squeezed. It had been seven months since my little intervention and we were celebrating by eating take out, watching Netflix, and making out on his bed. I was laying down on top of him and moaning from him snaking one hand up my shirt while the other grabbed my ass. I 'eeped' and bit his neck as punishment. He growled playfully and turn me around to my back.

We sort of just paused there for a moment. He was laying on me now and we just watched each other, probably thinking the same thing.

Before, I was too skinny for him to get too rough with me or lay on top of me without hurting me. He was too strong and my malnourished body bruised easily. But now- I felt perfectly fine.

I had really come a long way. Craig smiled and kissed me gently.

"You're perfect." He whispered in my mouth.

"I know." I laughed in his mouth, "So are you."

And I meant it.

Every word.


End file.
